Imperfect Update

So, yeah, the little guy is 3 months old now, and really, it’s much easier to live my life and get things done than it was even a couple of weeks ago. This “settled baby” thing is actually happening, albeit later than I might have wanted. In other words, yes, I could have been blogging more but I haven’t. Maybe because I want all of my writing to be really good, hence the title of the post. So, throwing all thoughtfulness and order to the wind, here’s some random thoughts (wow, I’m living on the edge, aren’t I?)

First off, the small child has been asleep for nearly two hours in the Baby Bjorn, so whatever gets written before he wakes up is what will get posted.

I think I was starving him for a few nights. Really. The received knowledge about breastfeeding and milk supply is that you will produce as much as your baby needs. However. A couple of nights he was screaming bloody murder, as my mother would say, and we thought it was just normal fussiness. It’s at the fussy time, after all. Then in desperation one of us would give him a bottle, and you’d think he hadn’t eaten in days. This after nursing for an hour. Yikes. I’ve decided that between my “advanced maternal age” and sort of getting my period again, I’m just not producing as much milk as I was. And thank goodness for formula. Guess what? He’s much happier when he’s not starving! Who knew?!

We are so lucky. He’s a really easy baby. For one thing, he loves getting his diaper changed. I’ve known other babies who cannot stand having their clothes taken off, but he just smiles and talks to us when he’s on the changing table. So great!

I’ve been taking him everywhere, and so far no meltdowns in public. Yay! I was really, really looking forward to being able to wear the baby everywhere, and I am. And it’s just as cool as I had hoped.

The most common reaction when we’ve taken him to places where we know people (like work or events)? Nostalgia for when their own, grown children were his size. It’s such a wistful look, and you can see their thoughts going back, back, back, see the memories on their faces, the love and the happiness and sadness that their children grew up.  And I can’t help but think, “that will be me someday.” And I think that we have no idea how he will change as he grows up, that one of the things these parents might be thinking is about their hopes for their little ones and which ones came true and which didn’t.

I feel better, emotionally, than I have in five years. Really. It’s great. I knew while it was happening that I was situationally depressed, and I had a lot of reasons to be (in addition to all pregnancy loss & infertility ones, we had other major high-stress life events going on, yikes). I knew it, but deep down I kind of felt like I was just a depressed person, that I would always feel a little down even if things got better. Even if/when we got to have our live, healthy baby. I was wrong. It’s great. I have energy (although not nearly enough time) to do some of the things that I’ve wanted to do for a long time, silly things like make salad dressing on a regular basis instead of always buying it. I am working on projects and being really productive, and it feels easy, not like I’m fighting against myself to do them.

As much as I love my baby, I do not love taking care of a newborn. It’s much, much easier now, but it’s still boring and wildly time-consuming. I think I have a draft post about it. I have never been the kind of person who is mainly engaged in physical things for fun or work; I read, I think, I watch TV. And caring for a newborn, nursing a baby, is pretty much 100% physical. I have bought a ton of books about babies (and managed to find five conflicting opinions about sleep training), but still. So it’s been a challenge.

At one of his checkups, the nurse measured his head and said, “borderline genius!” That struck us as so funny that we say it all the time, whenever he does anything. Stuffs his fist in his mouth and keeps it there for two sucks? Borderline genius!

He likes to look at the lights (comparisons to a moth are acceptable), and he likes to look at trees. It’s great–if he’s a little fussy, I can walk outside and he’ll just look up and get quiet. Oh, and yesterday in the car, he turned his head to look at the big truck next to us. Go figure. Three months and already likes trucks.

And it’s been 30 minutes, and I think he’ll wake up screaming to eat soon, so this is the end for now. Mostly? It is so good to be happy for a change.

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2 Responses to Imperfect Update

  1. traathy says:

    Awww…very happy to read that things are going well and that happiness is being lived 🙂

  2. marwil says:

    This made me smile, so glad you are finding yourself again, as it sounds like. Happy days 🙂

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