I’m not sure why, other than the insane adjustment to having a new baby in the house, I haven’t posted more since his birth. I have a bunch of drafts waiting, started while I was pregnant. This blog was never intended to be a record of my everyday life; it’s a place to write my story so someone else who needs to read it someday will have it–or she already has found it and is reading it now. And I guess that’s a good thing, because it was so difficult to even acknowledge the reality of my pregnancy while it was happening. I’m sitting at the computer with a sleeping baby strapped to my front, head tilted sideways and face toward the heavens, one curled-up hand near his mouth. Maybe now, almost two months in, I’ll be able to write about him and me and how we got here.
The other reason it’s important for me to remember that this isn’t an everyday update kind of blog is that so much of what I have to say is sad or angry! I promise that I don’t feel like that all the time (now), and that I do not have PPD, and that it’s kind of a balance–the good days are really good, and the bad days, not so much. Maybe once all the unhappiness has made it onto the page there will be room for more happy, pleasant things to read, like when the baby smiled at me the first time. But right now? I’m not sure I have anything more to say about the good stuff than my FB post after it happened: “He smiled. Bliss.”
All this is a roundabout way to say, “I’m still here! I’m still writing!” And the baby is beautiful and amazing, and I can’t believe we get to keep him.